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Know any jokes?


Angel P
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I see just about every forum has a joke thread and thought we should have one of our own. Here's one that made me laugh:

 

A blind man lead by a seeing eye dog walks into a Audio/Video store. When he reaches the center of the sales floor, he grabs the dog by it's tail and starts swinging it in a circle as fast as he can. A salesman finally manages to duck and dodge the dog and reach the blind man. Still squatting at floor level to avoid the airbourne pooch, he tugs at the man's pantleg and yells "Mister, Mister, can I help you?"

"No thanks, just looking around."

 

BTW, no disrespect meant.

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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers".

 

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van, which has a huge cage in the back. With him he has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

 

"What are you going to do?" the home owner asks.

 

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

 

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shot-gun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

 

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

 

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

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A CEO walks in to work one morning to find his beautiful blonde secretary in tears.

 

"What's wrong, darling?", he asks.

 

"I...I... just found out my mother died."

 

The boss, feeling very sympathetic, comforts her and tells her she can pack up and have the rest of the day off. Then he goes to his office and she stops crying.

 

5 minutes later, he hears her bawling again.

 

"What's wrong now?"

 

"I just called my sister, and her mother died too!"

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Superman is flying over New York and he happens to look down in a back alley. He see Wonder Woman, lying on her back, legs apart, eyes closed, sunning herself, buck nekkid. Needless to say, he turns around and begins doing some lazy circles overhead, checking her out. He thinks to himself that since he's the "man of steel" and "faster than a speeding bullet", he can zip down there, screw her brains out, and be outta there before she knows anything. So, he goes flying down in there around mach 3, nails Wonder Woman, and zips right back out. Off he goes, thrilled that he pulled off something like that without her knowing anything. Down in the alley, Wonder Woman opens her eyes, stretches her shoulders and says, "What the hell was that"!??! The invisible man reappears and says, "I don't know but my asshole is killing me"!!!!!!

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

 

"Emma come 1st. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly, "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun himma how ta spella Mississippi!"

 

 

(That is one of my favorite jokes)

 

-Dean-

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A bank teller says to the customer, "May I help you?"

 

"Yeah," he replies, "I want to open up a f***ing savings account."

 

"Excuse me?"

 

"You heard me. I want to open a f***ing savings account."

 

"I'll be happy to help you, sir, but I must ask you to watch your language."

 

The customer is now raising his voice: "Are you going to let me open a f***ing account or not?!?"

 

The manager comes over. "Is there a problem here?"

 

"Yeah, there's a problem," the customer shouts, "I just won twenty million dollars in the Godda** lottery and I want to open up a f***ing savings account."

 

"I see," says the manager. "And this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver looks and says "Thats the ugliest baby I've ever seen, ugh!"

She sits down fuming and says to the person next to her, "The driver just insulted me!".

He replies, "Go and tell him off, I'll hold your monkey."

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There'a US Battleship going up the New Englad coast on a foggy night, when the captain sees a light directly ahead. He gets on the radio, saying "This is the USS Arizona to unidentified light ahead. We are on a collision course, recommend you shift your course 10? to the east."

 

Call comes back "That's a negative USS Arizone. Recommend you shift your course 10? to the East."

 

Captain is a little peeved, so he gets back on the radio. "I'm a Captain in the US Navy, I ORDER you to change your course."

 

Call comes back, still unperturbed. "I'm a leitenant in the US Coast Guard, I highly recommend you shift your course."

 

By now the captain is furious. "I am the CO of a US Battleship. Change your course or prepare to be rammed!"

 

The voice on the other hand is completely calm. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

?

>>>>"Red............cherry,"

?

>>>>"Yellow.........lemon,"

?

>>>>"Green..........lime,"

?

>>>>"Orange........orange."

?

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her's out and yelled:

?

>>>>Oh My God!!!! They're a**holes!"

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These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey ...

 

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

 

*****Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

*****Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

 

*****Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

 

*****Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

 

*****Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the

cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

 

*****Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

 

******Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any

oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

 

*****Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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Some very funny stuff here, and some gloriously old clangers too. So far things are going fine, but I think its safest that we remember Rule 10 of the Forum Guidelines, "Please refrain from using excessive profanity".

 

Like it says, its "excessive" that we're concerned about, not "any at all", so we can cope with the amount of rudidity above. This is just a friendly reminder to not get carried away, as joke threads can do if we're not careful. Also, we've got some great board software, and can deal with individual posts without bringing the smack down on the whole thread. Not that I'll need to, will I guys.*

 

Anyway, I'm going to lighten up again now.

 

*iainl hopes that the above doesn't get read as a challenge to see what people can get away with...

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-One day these three under-age strings walk into a bar and sit down at a table. They start arguing about who's gonna go up to the bar and try to order a round of beers. After a couple of minutes of arguing one string says "Fine, I'll go get us some beers."

 

-He walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, I'll take 3 cold drafts!" The bar tender takes a long look at the young string and replies, "Sure, may I just see your I.D. first." The string says, "Ah, I forgot my I.D. at home." To which the bartender replies, "I'm Sorry then, I can't give you those drinks, I have to be careful not to serve alcohol to any under-age strings, ya know!" The string turns and heads back to the table and tells his fellow strings the bad news.

 

-One of his friends says, "Don't worry, I've been to the bar with my dad before, I know how to handle these bartenders, I'll get us some beers." So he gets up and confidently strolls up to the bar, "Yo, bartender, yeah, can I get 3 draft beers!" The bartender turns toward the string and takes a long look at him. Finally he replies, "Sure bud, 3 premiums ales coming right up! I'll just need to see your I.D. first, I have to be careful not to serve alcohol to any under-age strings, ya know!"

 

-The strings says, "Hmm, I kinda forgot my I.D. at home." To which the bartender replies, "Hmmm, I kinda can't serve you without one!"

 

-Sulking back to the table the underage string tells his friends the bad news. The 3rd string stands up, "Alright, alright, enough of this, I'm thirsty and damn-it I'm gonna get us some beers!" He then turns and marches off to the bathroom.

 

-Once inside the bathroom, he bends over and twists and turns his body into one large knot. And then just before walking out the door he messes up his hair.

 

-He wiggles his way up to the bar and says, " Bartender, may I have 3 of your finest drafts!" The bartender turns and takes a long look, and then slowly moves in for a closer look. Finally with a puzzled look on his face the bartender asks, "Sayyy, are you one of those under-age strings that keeps trying to some beers from me?"

 

-The string grins and replies, "Ah,.. nope,.. Frayed Knot!"

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I read this one a few weeks back and couldn't stop laughing.

 

What's Pink, Red, and Silver?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A baby with forks in it's eyes.

 

 

This one is more of a physical joke.

 

Walk up to someone and ask, "What has two thumbs and likes blowjobs?"

When they ask, "Who?" Point both of your thumbs at yourself and say, "THIS GUY!!!!"

 

Glen

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I always get a kick out of using this bit of dialogue on people....

 

from Hitchhiker's Guide, by Douglass Adams:

 

Ford: "It's time's like this that I wish I would have listened to what my mom always told me!

 

Arthur: "And what was that?"

 

Ford: "I don't know, I wasn't listening."

 

Pretty basic, but it cracks me up every time. Try it on your friends/coworkers and you'll see.

 

Carlos.

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One of my favorites:

 

Bubba and Earl are driving down the road late one night trying to get home after a full night of drinking when up ahead in the distance they see a police sobriety checkpoint. The floor of their Ford Truck is littered with beer bottles and they both reek of alcohol as if they bathed in it. At this point being completely plastered, Earl is terrified and about ready to piss himself and he turns to Bubba, who is driving, and asks what they are going to do. Knowing that it is too late to try and turn around and they have no hope getting rid of all the bottles, Bubba tells Earl to not ask any questions and to do exactly what he does. Bubba picks a Budweiser bottle off of the floor and proceeds to peel the label off of the bottle. He then takes the label and proceeds to slap it onto his forehead. Looking absolutely confused Earl does the same as they approach the police checkpoint. As they drive up to the checkpoint Bubba rolls down the window and greets the officer. The officer looks at Bubba and then Earl noticing the labels on their forehead and then sees all of the bottles littering the floor and asks Bubba whether they have been drinking tonight. Bubba looks at the officer and replies, "No Ossifer we are both on the patch!"

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A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

 

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, what are you going to do in Toronto?"

 

Now all ears are listening to this conversation. "Well" says the skipper, "first I'm going check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm going take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the big tits. I'm going to wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her all night."

 

Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

 

The old lady leans over and says "No need to run, dear. He's gotta take a sh*t first".

 

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A ventriloquist is touring the country and stops to entertain in a small town. He?s going through his usual run of off-colour ?dumb blonde? jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts:

 

?I?ve heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person?s hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot.?

 

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ?You stay out of this Mister! I?m talking to the little bastard on your knee!?

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